First a short one.
Here goes:
A penguin goes into a bar and walk up to the bartender and says "I can't find my dad. Have you seen him?"
And the bartender says "I don't know. What does he look like?"
and now the Shaggy Dog One.
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I heard this on the Prairie Home Companion on NPR on Saturday, June 24th, 2006. When they were broadcasting in Salt Lake City, Utah. We were driving home from seeing the kids and it didn't finish when we got home, but it was so great that I sat in the driveway for about 3 more minutes to listen till the end.
Once upon a time, (actually everything that happens, happens at some upon a time or another)… but I digress… anyway...
Once upon a time there was this standup comic named Frank, and he was really good. He was doing a standup gig in San Francisco at a comedy club, as he was on a tour with a group of comics out of New York. He was especially good at telling penguin jokes.
One of his jokes goes like this,
Two penguins that are sitting on an iceberg.
One penguin looks over and says, “It looks like you’re wearing a tuxedo.”
And the other penguin looks over and says, “How do you know I’m not?”
It just happened that there was a cruise director in the audience and the cruise director thought Frank was pretty funny. They were about to take a medium sized cruise ship, with a group of rich Californians off to the Samoa Islands. Afterwards he talks to Frank back stage,
"Frank, I'll give you $300 a day, and free room and board on the ship, all the way out to America Samoa AND back, if you'll be the warm-up act."
Well, of course Frank said “Yes!”, and got a job on a cruise line as one of the warm up acts for the show.
So, off sails the ship and that night Frank got up on stage and he starts out his act with this joke:
“Why are we all going to America Samoa?”
And the audience goes, “I don’t know, why?”
And Frank says, “So you can all spend Samoa Money!”
Well, that joke didn’t go over so well, so then he told his favorite Penguin joke. That one hit the spot and everyone starts laughing, especially one rather large man in the front row, and he started out laughing, and laughing, and then laughing so hard he started to cry! Then he collapsed onto the floor and went into cardiac arrest!
Well, the crew responded quickly, and stabilized him, but they had to request a helicopter ambulance from the Coast Guard, to take the man off the ship for further medical care. They flew him over to a nearby island and then put him on a medical evac plane and flew him to the nearest hospital.
Well, the ship’s Owner, the Captain and the Cruise Director were all very upset and they explained to Frank that they liked him, but just couldn't afford all the helicopters and emergency medical expenses, so they had to let him go. Frank was just Too Damn Funny! They bought out his contract and dropped him off at their next port of call en route to America Samoa.
So Frank was stuck on this little rinky-dinky island for 3 days till he could catch a tramp steamer on its way to San Francisco. He has his $300 a day for 14 days, plus his passport in his money belt, so he's feeling pretty good. To while away his time, he went for a walk around the small island, and was talking to himself and practicing his jokes.
Eventually Frank came upon a flock of sheep and stood by the fence looking at them and decided to work on his favorite penguin joke. Unbeknownst to him, one of the locals was playing with his new video camera and was recording this weird guy talking to the sheep.
So Frank told his penguin joke to the sheep, and then they started going crazy…. Baaa BAA BAAA , BAA BAA BAA… and it was like they were laughing at the joke. Then the sheep ran over to the edge of their pen and started going Baa, Baa to the pig, and the pig went nuts with GRUNT, GRUNNT, GRRUUUNT like it was laughing, and then the pig went over to the Horse and started grunting and grunting and the Horse went WHINNIE, WHIIINNIE, WHIINIE like it was laughing. The whole time the kid on the island with the new video camera was busy recording the entire event.
Then the horse went across his pasture and over to the cows and started telling the joke to the cows, and the cows went MOO, MOOOO, MOOOOO, and they all laughed so hard that milk came out of their noses!!!
Well, all this ended up on the recording, but Frank didn’t notice. He went back to port to wait for the ship.
So about 2 days later the tramp steamer came into port and Frank got on to get back to San Francisco. About a day later out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean a huge storm came up and tossed the ship every which way and the ship broke in half and Frank found himself as the only survivor swimming in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
Then it got worse. Worse? How could it get Worse?
Well, he got swallowed by a whale, and spent 3 weeks in the mouth of this LARGE whale and finally the whale clears his throat and Frank was spat up on an unknown shore.
He had no idea where he was, but he saw some people off in the distance and started running and waving his arms in the air as he ran towards them.
They in turn started shooting at him. He raised his arms and they surrounded him. It turns out he was on the shore of Iraq in the Persian Gulf and was captured by some local militia. As they’re capturing him, one of them says, “Hey! Wait ! You’re the guy in the video from Larry on YouTube, the one with the cow with the milk coming out of her nose!”
Well, Frank goes, “Huh?” and they tell him about this video that is all over the internet with this guy Larry, and it shows Frank telling the penguin joke to some sheep, and the sheep tell it to the pigs and … (well, you know the story).
So they take Frank to the border with Kuwait, and he gets across the border passport and picks up a ride down to Kuwait City. Luckily, because he just happened to have his money belt on him when he got paid
by the cruise line, he's all set. Being an actor/stand up comic, he didn’t have a
bank account, of course. So he got a flight to London, and from there to New York City.
As he arrives at customs in JFK, the Customs Agents are looking at him, and there is something familiar about him. So they start checking their Official TSA Terrorist Photo Book, because they know they’ve seen him before, and then it hits them…. He’s the guy in the Video with the Sheep and the Cow and the milk coming out of her nose.
Well, they welcome him back to the States and allow him to pass through. Now he's back in NYC!
So Frank gets to his apartment in San Francisco, and he has dozens of letters and messages on his phone answering machine to call these various book publishers and TV shows. They all want him to do a Penguin Book for them. You know, pictures of penguins with little balloons with stupid sayings above their heads. But, and it's a big Butt, he has to have it finished in 5 days, so they can print it up and get it on the newsstands before the novelty of the penguins fades away.
So Frank makes a deal with Penguin Books to do TWO books. One for them, and another so he can tell the story of his adventure from the shipwreck, etc. But the catch is that he has to have the sayings for the penguins done by Tuesday so they can print 40 million copies and get them to the bookstores while it’s still fresh in everyone’s mind.
Oh, gosh, … only 4 more days to come up with 100 stupid sayings… Well, Frank comes up with 50 rather fast, but he just can’t think of 50 more, so he goes off to take a break and decides to take a walk around town. As he’s going along, he comes to the Zoo and decides to spend a few hours in the Zoo getting ideas for the book.
While at the Zoo he comes upon the penguin display and asks the caretaker if he can just go inside, sit in the side where no one will see him, and just sit and watch the penguins and try to think up some stupid sayings for the book.
Well, the caretaker recognizes him and says, “Hey, you're the guy with the penguin joke and the cow with milk coming out of her nose. Well, sure, just knock on the door when you want out. Here's the parka we wear when we go in there.”
So he lets Frank in, gives him his parka, and Frank sits back on a rock out of sight of the visitors and watches the penguins. He's getting some great ideas, and is writing them all down.
Well, soon a penguin waddles on over and starts going “ Honk, Hooonk !!!” and putting his flipper up by his nose.
“What?” , says Frank.
“Honk, Honk!” goes the penguin, and all the time tapping its flipper to his nose.
“Oh, my gosh,” says, Frank, “have you seen the video too?”
“Honk, Honk!” says the penguin, and he turns his head sideways and sort-of smiles.
The penguin starts honking like crazy and pokes his flipper in Frank’s hand like he’s trying to write something. Then he goes “Honk, Honk”, and Frank finely figures out that he’s trying to tell a Knock, Knock joke.
“Honk, Honk!” goes the penguin.
“Who’s There?”, says Frank.
And the penguin grunts this word, “Fornication”
Frank smiles and says… “Fornication who?”
And the penguin says,” Fornication like this, you should also be wearing a tuxedo.”
